Jeffrey Platts

Wanna Find Love? Let Go Of The Banana

Written by on September 13, 2010

Are you keeping a few friends or acquaintances on your radar as potential hookups or relationship material?

Is your ex on your backup list?

Are you still pining over your college crush?

Well, if you want a new relationship, you’ve got to cut them loose. If that cute friend you secretly have the hots for was going to be your next boyfriend or girlfriend, it likely would have happened by now. Another 4 years of pining and fantasizing isn’t going to increase your odds.

I know for me there are many times when I’ve yearned in fantasyland over a female friend or co-worker who I found cute. I knew we ultimately were not an ideal match or they simply weren’t into me. But I kept obsessing over them… “Damn, she’s so hot/cute/sexy, maybe something will shift and she’ll like me.” Or the times when I would call or text a girl just because I’m bored or lonely, hoping they’ll bite the bait and want to hang out/make out. And when we did meet up, it wasn’t even fulfilling.  The energy behind my intention was one of filling an inner void, rather than a sincere desire to connect with that specific person. Not cool for me or her.

When you have all these people lingering around in your mind and heart as potential but improbable dating options, you create these one-way energetic cords spreading out to different people. Your energy gets scattered around and you lose your attractive power. There is no open space for someone new to enter. Either bust a move and find out once and for all if they like you, or accept the reality of what is and move on.

Check out this well-known monkey parable:


A banana is in a steel box with a hole and a tasty banana inside. The hole is just large enough for a monkey to slip its hand in and out. If the monkey reaches inside and grabs the banana, he won’t be able to pull its hand out with the banana. What should the monkey do? Keep the banana but never eat it because it will always be in the box, while also risking capture by other predators? Or choose to let go of the banana, realizing there are probably lots more easily reachable bananas out there?

All those dating options you keep open are like that banana. Yes, you theoretically could have an amazing fruit, but given the reality of the situation it’s not gonna happen. Better to let go and move on to a banana that’s much easier.

The best dating is easy dating. When the vibe between two people is clear, palpable and MUTUAL. If it ain’t all three of those things, then all the convincing, waiting, or fantasizing in the world ain’t gonna make a crapload of difference. I’m not talking about the handful of people that you might be genuinely interested in and who are also genuinely (and secretly) interested in you. Pursue those. Find out what’s up with them but also be willing to accept whatever answer you get back.

I invite you to play with the idea that your soulmate isn’t going to come from anyone you currently know. There are 6 billion people on this planet and the Universe is ready to help you rendezvous with lots of potential great mates for you. But when you have your mental and emotional energy tied up with people who are obviously not the right (and easiest) match for you, that just creates resistance. Keep your energy focused on yourself.

Here are some suggestions and insights that have helped me let go of some bananas:

  1. Get real about anyone in your life that you’re currently fantasizing about. Take charge of your romantic fantasies. Find out if they are interested in you or just decide to let them go. The “one that got away” from you is probably where they need to be anyways: AWAY. Write in your journal, meditate, see a therapist, talk to your friends. Whatever you need to do to get grounded in yourself and come back into your own attractive power.
  2. Think back to all your former partners and trace back to when you met them. In most of the cases, one hour before you actually met them, you had no idea of their very existence on planet Earth.
  3. Get excited about the possibilities and be curious about new people you meet. Your next partner is out there right now. They are not in the ethers waiting to be born. They’re already out in the world, going to movies, spilling coffee on their shirt, enjoying a walk in the sunshine. They also have no idea who the hell you are. Yet. 🙂

Jeffrey Platts is a men's coach and authentic communication expert who is passionate about helping men create amazing relationships with women. With over 20 years of personal study and transformational training, he has led nearly 200 workshops and retreats on personal growth, dating, and communication. Jeffrey's work and writing has been featured in the Huffington Post, Washington Post, ABC News, Authentic Man Program and the Good Men Project. He brings a rich toolbox of insights and experiences to his facilitation, integrating his adventures as DJ, amateur stand-up comedian, salsa dancer, yoga teacher and world traveler.