Jeffrey Platts

Dating In 3 Simple Steps

Written by on July 20, 2010

I get overwhelmed easily.  All my life I’ve constantly sought out information and then broken it down into simpler, easy to digest chunks.  So I wondered if the same could be applied to dating.  There are a lot of great tips and strategies out there on how to meet someone, much of which I agree with, practice and recommend to others.  At the same time, it can get confusing.  So for my own sanity, I boiled it down to 3 simple reminders:

1. Feel good.

This can seem odd to some people. “Well, I’ll just feel good AFTER I meet my boyfriend/girlfriend.”  Good luck with that. If you look for someone while trying to fill a void within you or as a way to feel better, then you’re putting all your power in something/someone outside of you.  You’re putting your own joy on hold until some future event.  It’s also a cop-out.  Of course it’s EASY to feel good when conditions are exactly as you want them to be.  The real talent (and challenge) is feeling good on the journey to where you want to go.   And honestly, do you think your future partner wants the pressure of being the source of your happiness?   I know some of my past girlfriends have felt that pressure. 🙂

If you make your intention to feel good NOW, in the present moment, then several things start to happen:

  • your mood is obviously better
  • other people will find you more approachable
  • you will see more positive things in other people
  • you have access to a whole new range of ideas and possibilities
  • you will be taking 100% responsibility for your own happiness independent of external conditions
  • people will want to be around you more
  • you release any pressure to meet someone ASAP to rescue you from your low mood
  • you become less desperate
  • you get more into alignment with YOU

Keep in mind that feeling “good” can take many forms — practicing yoga, laughing with friends, getting coaching, talking to a friend, seeing a therapist, journaling, petting your dog, watching a movie.  This isn’t about getting all Pollyanna about your life.  It’s about doing your best in each moment to be kind to yourself, let go of any emotional resistance and get more into an open flow. And by feeling good, I mean feeling just a little better than you did before.  That’s it.  No need to be Mr./Mrs. Super Positive all the time.  That’s fake. And annoying.

2. Have fun out in the world.

This is where it’s all up to you.  Use your own guidance and follow what feels fun to you.  If going on lots of dates every week feels fun to you, then totally rock out with that.  If that feels like a torturous chore, then don’t do it, no matter how many other people say you should.  There is very little sense in continuing to participate in an activity that drains you.  So go out and do things that make you come more alive.   But the key is to have fun OUT in the world.  Not have fun by yourself with a bag of Doritos on your couch.  (Yes, solitude is useful and necessary, just don’t go overboard.)  And keep Step #1 in mind for the activities you do when you’re alone, too.

The intention is to get out of the house and engage with the people, places, and activities that feel fun to you.  In doing that, you will be more radiant and attractive to other people.  I’ve taken cooking classes and gone to tango classes strictly with the intention of meeting women.  While I enjoyed trying something new, I realized that my heart wasn’t into either of those activities, so I stopped.

3.  Follow through with those people whose vibe you dig.

There are tons of beautiful, sexy, friendly, smart, attractive people out there.  You can’t date all of them, nor do you want to.  Not all of them are a good match for you.  But you do have a brilliant tool that can help you figure out who to pursue.  It’s called your internal guidance.  As you go throughout your day, just notice how certain people make you feel.  As you interact with some people, you’ll get a closed off energy in your heart and stomach area.  Other people will leave you feeling open, expansive, lighter.  THOSE are the people you want to pursue.

And the more you practice using this energetic barometer, the more skilled you’ll become.  I remember a few years back when I would often date just for the sake of dating.  I would meet some really great women, but when I took a moment to look back, I really was following my “should” and not my own inner guidance.  I was trying to force a dating relationship rather than allow it to flow naturally. The real question is: how do I feel when I’m around them?

This is not about waiting for a huge tidal wave of clarity before you talk to someone or email their online profile.  It’s more about listening for the quieter nudges that your soul might be saying: “Hey, there might be something to explore with this person.”  And I’m a big believer in steppingstones.  You never know if the person your soul nudges you to say hello to might have a friend/sibling/co-worker that is single and a perfect match for you.  So allow the Universe to help you out..

Jeffrey Platts is a men's coach and authentic communication expert who is passionate about helping men create amazing relationships with women. With over 20 years of personal study and transformational training, he has led nearly 200 workshops and retreats on personal growth, dating, and communication. Jeffrey's work and writing has been featured in the Huffington Post, Washington Post, ABC News, Authentic Man Program and the Good Men Project. He brings a rich toolbox of insights and experiences to his facilitation, integrating his adventures as DJ, amateur stand-up comedian, salsa dancer, yoga teacher and world traveler.