Jeffrey Platts

Does Your Jealousy Keep You Single?

Written by on March 25, 2010

“He doesn’t deserve to be dating a hot woman like that. She’s way out of his league.” “Ugh, just look at them, laughing and holding hands.  Get a room, you two!”

Jealous:  adj. painfully desirous of another’s advantages

Ever experienced this situation, as I have?  You’re single, you really want to have a partner, someone to love and who loves you back.  You’re also frustrated that it’s taking so damn freakin’ long.  You’re frustrated with all the halitosis guys or the ditzy women you keep meeting.  You just want ONE person out of 6 billion, for crying out loud.  And in the meantime, it seems like EVERYONE is hooking up and meeting great partners, falling in love, popping out babies.  You might even ask yourself: “What’s wrong with me and what do they have that I don’t?”

Well, nothing is wrong with you.  Except maybe some thoughts that might not be serving you.  Imagine you are sitting in a cafe, doing your own thing, maybe reading a good book.  Then at a table nearby, you notice a couple that is totally in love, staring into each other’s eyes, holding hands, laughing.  You start to think jealous thoughts like “OMG, look at those two, acting all googly eyed with each other. Who the f%#k do they think they are to be so happily in love? I’m never going to find someone.”  Now imagine the facial expression your face would have while thinking those thoughts and also the energy that your body would be putting out into the room.  Probably NOT an attractive image, both physically and energetically!  That’s what other people pick up on. And that’s just one example of how you’re shooting yourself in the foot by being jealous of other people.

“If your everyday practice is to open to all your emotions, to all the people you meet, to all the situations you encounter, without closing down, trusting that you can do that then that will take you as far as you can go. And then youll understand all the teachings that anyone has ever taught.” – Pema Chodron

For you to be jealous, angry, resentful toward someone (many times someone you don’t even know) just puts you in a resistant state. The reality is that there are endless numbers of people who would make great partners for you.  But those great partners are not going to come into your experience as long as you are in a resistant, bitter, angry, or jealous energy.  Or, if they DO come to you, they will arrive as a match to your bitter energy.  Yeah, that’s gonna be a fun ride.  Start practicing looking the world and the world of love as an abundant place.

The more open, easy-going, and loving your energy is, the more receptive you will be to the world around you. And the more the world will be receptive to YOU.  No one wants to be around a bitter person, let along date a bitter person.  Except maybe other bitter people.  🙂

Some tips on how to shift the energy of jealousy when it comes up:

  1. Bless that which you want. This is a great Huna philosophy that says if you want something in your life, then bless it whenever you see it or think of it. If you want a lover, which is part of a couple, but you judge and get bitter whenever you see a couple in the street, then your subconscious mind is going to have a hard time trying to help you attract something that you are criticizing and attaching negative energy to.
  2. Trust in the Universe. I told a friend recently, “If you’re single, 9 times out of 10, you have NO IDEA who is the next person that you’re going to kiss.  Nor do you know when that will happen.”  You will meet the right person for you when the time is right.  Also, listen to this Michael Bublé song, Haven’t Met You Yet.
  3. Cut yourself some slack. If you see a happy couple cuddled up on a blanket on the grass or you get your 7th wedding invitation this year, you might get triggered back into some thoughts of jealousy or reminders of what you really want.  No worries. Do your best to notice them in the moment and soothe yourself out of them with some thoughts that bring you relief.  “Ok, there’s more evidence that what I want is out there.  If it’s possible for them, it’s possible for me.  I am awesome.”

P.S. These ideas apply to anything you may want: more money, job, family, friendships, you name it!

Jeffrey Platts is a men's coach and authentic communication expert who is passionate about helping men create amazing relationships with women. With over 20 years of personal study and transformational training, he has led nearly 200 workshops and retreats on personal growth, dating, and communication. Jeffrey's work and writing has been featured in the Huffington Post, Washington Post, ABC News, Authentic Man Program and the Good Men Project. He brings a rich toolbox of insights and experiences to his facilitation, integrating his adventures as DJ, amateur stand-up comedian, salsa dancer, yoga teacher and world traveler.