Two days ago I was at a bar. Not because I like bars. I don’t.
But because I wanted to watch the final of the Brazil x Germany Olympic soccer match. And this particular bar was the only place that was showing the game.
So I find a seat at the bar. To my right are two normal looking dudes having some beers and chatting amongst themselves.
To my left were two pretty women having some beers and chatting amongst themselves.
After 20 minutes, one of the guys starts talking in my direction.
“Those are from us.”
Before I had a chance to ask what the heck he was talking about, I figured out that he was referring to the two vodka shots that he and his buddy had sent over to the two women sitting to my left.
As he noticed that I figured out what was going on, he said to me:
“I would buy you a drink, too, but you’re not going to put out.”
My first reaction to his statement was to think to myself: “Yeah bro, I get it, yeah I wouldn’t waste a drink on me, either.”
I was temporarily deluded by the inertia of bro and bar culture. But then I realized how fucked up that thinking is.
Let’s take a look at what is behind that one sentence.
First, he’s buying a drink for two random women that he’s never met or interacted with in his life. Ok, not something I do with strangers, but that’s his prerogative.
Secondly, he’s buying this drink for these two women with the ultimate intention and expectation that she’ll “put out.” Which I imagine, in his world, happens in one of two scenarios.
Either she is so overcome with gratitude for the two $10 shots that she decides to go home with him and have sex as a way of saying thank you.
Or she gets drunk enough from the drinks he so generously buys her that her inhibitions and resistance is lowered and she has sex with him later that night.
Both of these scenarios are stupid and disgusting. And unnecessary.
My brothers, you don’t have to order a drink to get a woman to talk to you. Or for her to give you her attention. Or to get her to want to have sex with you.
All you have to do is say hello, start a conversation and if she’s interesting enough TO you and if she is interested enough IN you, the conversation keeps going. If there’s no interest on either end, you politely move on.
Save your drink money and spend it on something that’s going to help you genuinely love yourself because that’s really what you need to start doing. If you need some support with that, get support.
More importantly, buying a woman anything, whether it’s a fucking martini or a Mercedes, does not entitle you to ANYTHING from her. Ever. That type of entitlement thinking is really, really dangerous.
So I’m sharing this is a reminder for men to stop buying random women drinks unless it’s coming from a genuine place of ZERO attachment to or expectation of having her say or do anything.
Because the only thing that should come with strings attached is a yo-yo. Don’t be a yo-yo.
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Jeffrey Platts is a men's coach and authentic communication expert who is passionate about helping men create amazing relationships with women. With over 20 years of personal study and transformational training, he has led nearly 200 workshops and retreats on personal growth, dating, and communication. Jeffrey's work and writing has been featured in the Huffington Post, Washington Post, ABC News, Authentic Man Program and the Good Men Project. He brings a rich toolbox of insights and experiences to his facilitation, integrating his adventures as DJ, amateur stand-up comedian, salsa dancer, yoga teacher and world traveler.