We all hear it. ”I like guys who make more than $100K per year.” “I only date Latinas with big butts.” “If she doesn’t love to run marathons, then I can’t date her.”
In my previous post, I talked about what happens when we focus on how our next man or woman is going to come to us. This post is about the effect of focusing on what they should look like.
Many people, including myself, find value in creating a list of all the things we what we want in our future partner. When I created my first list I included what she did for a living, what kind of exercise she liked, what her butt size was, how long her hair was, and if she liked M&Ms. All of those things are nice. But I noticed that I was attracting and meeting those exact kinds of women, but we were NOT an ideal match. It was always off. The outside wrapping paper was what I wanted, but the gift inside wasn’t.
So what is the solution?
Focus more on VIBE and VALUES.
What is the vibe and energy that you want to experience with your next partner? Playful? Sexy? Deep? Spontaneous? Intellectual? Flirty? Whatever it is, do what you can to experience those states on your own. As in the saying “be the person you want to find.” You can’t be some serious person all the time and expect to be an energetic match to a fun, lively goofball. Get your own life designed how you like it and trust that the next mate will fit right in.
Similarly, rather than making a list of physical attributes, create a list of the valuesthat those attributes would mean to you. You like a guy with a six-pack? Cool. What does that six-pack represent to you? He’s healthy, has respect for his body, cares about eating well. If a guy came into your life and actually had those traits but didn’t have a six-pack, would you push him away? And guys, the same goes for yoga butts.
When I become too attached to the specifics of HOW my next partner is supposed to look like, my fantasy becomes my prison. It limits how the Universe can present me with my next partner and my ability to see her when she shows up. My “requirements” will be my blinders. Yes, she may have long hair, dress well, be a great cook, talented dancer and practice yoga. But I’m more interested if she’s confident, smart, spiritual, loving, sensual, in shape and has a positive attitude. Ultimately, I’m going to evaluate what is the vibe we have when we’re together.
It’s called love at first sight, but it really should be called love at first FEEL. Because that’s what you’re gonna look for — how they feel to you. And you to them.
This is a guest post I wrote for SingleTease.com, a great company that creates fun conversation starters for singles! Click here to read this and other great posts on SingleTease.com…
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Jeffrey Platts
Jeffrey Platts is a men's coach and authentic communication expert who is passionate about helping men create amazing relationships with women. With over 20 years of personal study and transformational training, he has led nearly 200 workshops and retreats on personal growth, dating, and communication. Jeffrey's work and writing has been featured in the Huffington Post, Washington Post, ABC News, Authentic Man Program and the Good Men Project. He brings a rich toolbox of insights and experiences to his facilitation, integrating his adventures as DJ, amateur stand-up comedian, salsa dancer, yoga teacher and world traveler.
