Jeffrey Platts

You Already Know How To Be A Great Lover

Written by on March 18, 2010

47 ways to please your man with your elbow!
12 tips to give her earth-shaking orgasms with your baseball card collection!

There are countless books and Cosmo articles on how to learn the most cutting-edge techniques to please your partner sexually. They all have great information and most of the time the tips are very good. But I think prior to trying to blow your partner’s mind (and body) with some new technique or quick fix, you’ve got to make sure you have these two elements covered FIRST.

First, the connection with yourself. Feeling comfortable with your own body. Knowing that you are worthy of both giving and receiving love and sexual pleasure.  Getting into your body.

Second, the connection with your partner. Really being present with the person in front of you. Fully appreciating their body as it is, truly seeing their essence, their energy.

“Your sex life is sacred and personal. When you find the confidence to live it as you choose, you come home to yourself.” – Alan Cohen

Trying one or 37 new sex techniques with both of those components down first will be like night and day. It’s similar to dancing salsa and not once looking the person in the eye or getting in sync with your partner. Are you dancing together as a couple or merely for your own pleasure? You might have a few cool moves here and there, but the overall dance won’t be as juicy and fun.

“But, JP, aren’t there things I can learn that can help me in bed?” YES. Read books, watch DVDs, take workshops. I’ve read and studied my fair share of books on sex techniques, masculine/feminine dynamics and tantric philosophies. They all have great information and wicked fun things to try. (The best homework on Earth!) And if you want some suggestions on where to start, check out my recommended reading section.

But as can be the danger with any personal growth or self-improvement book, I would often start to think “Wow, here are all these things that I’m currently NOT doing and need to do in order to be acceptable and attractive.” Now, when I start to have those thoughts, I put the book down or stop the iPod and give myself a reality check.  I was looking for some magic pill, stroke or lick to be the secret to great sexual connection.   But like many things, being a skillful lover is a lot about attitude and energy and less about the actual technique. And the more in tune you are with yourself and your partner, the more in the flow you’ll be. Not to mention you will both feel safe enough to explore new things and tell your partner what might not be working so well.  Yes, it’s true, that hot sex tip you just read on, might not work on your woman.  Play and learn from HER body, not some prototype.

My main point is to embrace and accept who you are first, then go seek out ways you can expand and improve. To start learning a new sex technique from place of LACK doesn’t serve you or your partner.  Start to trust yourself, your own inner mojo.

So here are 3 things to try on for size:

  1. Connect with your breath. Any yoga or tantric book will show how powerful the breath is for sexual connection. Start noticing how your experience shifts with the variations in your breathing. Maybe even sit together for one or two minutes and breathe together as part of your foreplay. Another great tip is to synchronizing your breath with your partner’s breath. Good times!
  2. Focus only on the things you really love about your body and your partner’s body. Trying to get turned on when you’re thinking about your beer belly or the fact that your bikini wax is 5 days old isn’t gonna help. If it’s something you truly want to (and can) change, then yes, go ahead and take some action. But if you’re about to bump ‘n grind, that is NOT the time to nitpick yourself or your partner. And trust me, 9 times out of 10 they don’t even care about that “flaw” you’re obsessing about.
  3. Make eye contact. There’s no quicker way to establish a meaningful connection than to look into someone’s eyes. Yes, it may feel awkward even if it’s your wife of 42 years. But after you get over any initial anxiety or vulnerability, you’ll be able to ride a really fun wave of soulful connection.

It sounds counterintuitive, but the best sex is an INSIDE —> OUT job, not an OUTSIDE —>IN job. 🙂

Jeffrey Platts is a men's coach and authentic communication expert who is passionate about helping men create amazing relationships with women. With over 20 years of personal study and transformational training, he has led nearly 200 workshops and retreats on personal growth, dating, and communication. Jeffrey's work and writing has been featured in the Huffington Post, Washington Post, ABC News, Authentic Man Program and the Good Men Project. He brings a rich toolbox of insights and experiences to his facilitation, integrating his adventures as DJ, amateur stand-up comedian, salsa dancer, yoga teacher and world traveler.