There are too many times to even bother counting.
- “She was only talking to me because she was bored while she waited for her friends.”
- “The only reason she hooked up with me is because I’m American, and I stand out here in Brazil.”
- “If I didn’t dance well, she wouldn’t be interested in me.”
- “She probably gave me a fake number.”
No matter what evidence was literally IN MY FACE to demonstrate my own natural attractiveness, my mind automatically discounted any hot woman being into me as some fluke. You could have an army of my bros tell me “dude, she’s totally INTO you!” and I would come back with my stock of “yeah, but…”.
The list. I forget what the check marks meant.
As a very shy, very pimply, very nerdy teenager, I had plenty of “reasons” to justify why a girl wouldn’t be into me. That mindset was so ingrained that through my early 20s I even kept a written list of all the girls who had ever demonstrated interest in me. I even came across the list last month as I purged through my old shoeboxes. It’s funny now to think that I needed to carry this list around with me just to remind me that I’m not some repulsive troll.
After a while I began to see that my lack of confidence in my own natural mojo was just pushing women away. Despite whatever initial attraction might be there, thinking that someone is into you because of some fluke of nature just gets old really fast. Even if you don’t say verbalize it, you can’t hide your energy. So I just sabotaged myself, not just in dating, but in relationships. I was my own c*ckblock.
My story of why they’re probably not really into me got proven to be true, time and time again. But only because I created it. It took several pushed-away girlfriends for me to wake up and realize that, dammit, I’m a good guy with lots of badass things to offer a woman. I’m not perfect and have my share of vices and virtues, but I have a good heart and genuinely want a deep, loving connection with a woman. And like everyone on this planet, I don’t help anyone by playing small. This isn’t about being cocky or being better than someone else. Nor is it about being delusional when someone really isn’t into you. It’s about celebrating the unique awesomeness that you have.
Here are a few things I invite you check out.
- Notice the next time insecure, discounting voice comes up. The point is not to get rid of it, but rather CHANGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO IT. It served a purpose at some point, perhaps to spare you from being rejected or not standing out too much. So when it comes up, notice it and remember that you are not the voice, but the one noticing the voice. And that “larger you” is bigger than any single thought. It’s that natural essence that IS your mojo.
- Trust that people ARE into you. How many times have you been totally sweating that hottie at the table next to you yet you let the moment pass by without saying a word? Well, how do you know that the same thing isn’t happening to YOU? Play with the idea that every day, it’s likely that at least 3 people see you and find you attractive. They just might not have the courage to tell you.
- Get rid of any clothes that you don’t feel good in. Use the 80/20 principle and go through your closet and donate any items that don’t make you feel sexygroovyhot. You deserve to feel great about you and who you are. Need some help? Get a stylish friend to help you out. You are each a divine expression of masculine and feminine. Decorate your body temple with clothes and accessories that put you in a positive, sexy vibration.
- Know the true source of your worthiness. This may sound counter-intuitive, but the goodness of who you are does not rely on whether other people like you or not. Shift your sense of self form relying on external approval (which you have NO control) to internal approval (which you have total control).
- Bask in your mojo. I don’t care who you are or what you look like, you’ve got natural mojo. You might do or think things that block it, but the reality is that you have an attractive essence that is unique to you and people want to be around. SO OWN IT. If a guy smiles at you, ENJOY IT. If a girl says she likes you and wants to hang out with you, then BELIEVE HER.
Click on this image for fun cartoon on a similar theme:
Jeffrey Platts
Jeffrey Platts is a men's coach and authentic communication expert who is passionate about helping men create amazing relationships with women. With over 20 years of personal study and transformational training, he has led nearly 200 workshops and retreats on personal growth, dating, and communication. Jeffrey's work and writing has been featured in the Huffington Post, Washington Post, ABC News, Authentic Man Program and the Good Men Project. He brings a rich toolbox of insights and experiences to his facilitation, integrating his adventures as DJ, amateur stand-up comedian, salsa dancer, yoga teacher and world traveler.
